There are secrets connected to using praise effectively with children and I’m going to clue you into a couple of them.* If you start to use them regularly, you are going to see results. They are so simple that you’ll wonder why you didn’t think of them before but never mind! Today is as good a day as any for starting on the road to success.
So mamas, to praise a child’s behavior in such a way that makes it highly likely that he will do it again, make sure you follow these steps:
1. Lay it on thick — don’t glance at the table that has been carefully set by him and mumble, “Oh, good. Thanks.” Instead, look at it carefully, break into a big smile and say, “Wow! That looks great! Thanks for doing such a nice job!”
2. Make sure the praise is specific to the behavior you want to encourage — “I am so happy to see that you put your pajamas on so fast. That’s a big help.” This is going to be a lot more efective than, “Oh good you’re ready for bed.”
3. Seal the deal with some physical contact — give her a big hug, a pat on the back or a high five. Touch, touch, touch your kids in a gentle, warm way whenever possible. Research has shown that a simple touch can communicate a strong emotional message that hits it’s mark immediately and can be more powerful than words.
4. Ditch the comparisons for good — do not take a perfectly good compliment like “Wow! You ate all of your salad and your peas tonight!” and mess it up by adding, “Why don’t you do that every night?” If you do that, the high feeling of achievement and desire to please will be replaced by a sinking feeling and the thought that she can never do enough or do it right. You don’t want that!
*Check out The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan E. Kazdin, PhD, author and head of the Yale Parenting Center for more tips on structured praise and getting it right.
